- A few days ago I found myself fighting back tears , “having a moment” as some would call it. My three year old son was talking to me from the backseat of the car. Filling me in on his day, and that of everyone else in his class. This is something that he and I do everyday. My cousin Doris would say that my son has all the “tea”. In this moment of discussion he tells me what his teachers and friends did for the day . I become overwhelmed with flashes of old age and death; thus making my anxiety take hold. I started to think, what would he do without me, what will happen when I am old? He being my only child no siblings at home. I thought will he be lonely, especially since his other siblings are not a constant. My thoughts were all over, what happens when he goes to college or moves out on his own, will he be alright.
I can not say I know for sure what triggered these emotions. There is some part of me thinks in that moment I became overwhelmed because I love him so much unconditionally , but a time may come when I can not protect him. Maybe its the sadness I see in the news everyday as so many young men of color are killed. When you raise a child he will eventually venture out into this sometimes savage world on his own. With this reality every moment is priceless. I tell him that he will be an astronaut one day my own differed dream of space camp imposing on his future. The only condition is that he agrees to take me to mars with him when the colonization begins. I know cute and maybe a bit obsessive. However; deep down I know that as he gets older he will go his own way.
The sad feeling dispelled under the sound of my son yelling “mommy… mommy… say yes” ,although I should probably should say no. I respond “yes” and my moment is over. I am present again. These growing years are what is important and I don’t want to miss a moment. I do not own him. He is a gift and a soul that I was chosen to bring into this world. I am to nourish him so that he can venture out for his purpose. I embrace this sadness as a reminder of our Love.